DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN deliveries of designer clothing started arriving at the house for my husband, I knew he was at it again – cheating.
He’s done it throughout our marriage. He knows that I know, but laughs at me and says I can’t afford to live anywhere else.
He says he should be “allowed to be a man” and see other women if he wants. He’s 41 and I’m 38.
We have a daughter of eight and my son is 15, from a previous relationship.
I found out he was cheating before the pandemic.
He was starting to stay away more but when he was confined to home he went stir crazy.
I caught Covid and was really ill. My son looked after me and his little sister.
My husband blamed me for catching the virus and was so uncaring.
When I recovered, I found messages and explicit photos on his phone.
I confronted him but he said I was imagining it, then blamed my illness and said I was neglecting him.
He did everything he could to deflect the subject away from him. We went to counselling but he wouldn’t talk. I finally forgave him when he told me his affair was over.
When the parcels started arriving, I checked his phone again and found messages from three different women. He ignored my tears, saying he was a man with needs.
He calls me names and denies he has a drink problem – but I know he has.
I talked to his mother but she said as long as he came home to our matrimonial bed, I didn’t have anything to complain about.
I long to start a new life.
DEIDRE SAYS: You do have rights. His cheating is enough reason to seriously consider divorce, never mind the abuse, the gaslighting and the emotional and financial blackmail.
He brings nothing to your relationship but misery for you. Your children will also be picking up on the tension, which is damaging for them.
Despite what he is telling you, you do have a choice.
My pack Abusive Partner explains how to find help and you can find out more about your rights through the charity Surviving Economic Abuse (survivingeconomicabuse.org, 0808 196 8845).
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Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
DAUGHTER IS SO SHY AND LONELY
DEAR DEIDRE: OUR dream move to the coast has left my daughter feeling isolated and lonely.
She’s 30 and is very shy. As she had never had confidence, she has always lived with us.
I’m her mum and I’m 62. My husband is 66 and recently retired.
We hoped a move to the coast would be good for her. A fresh start. She found a job working for a printing company and seemed to be enjoying it.
But she fell for a guy who works there and he’s in a friends-with-benefits situation with another woman from work.
She’s so upset and now wants to leave. She says that anyone she is ever interested in lets her down or treats her badly. My heart breaks, I want to help but I’m not sure how.
DEIDRE SAYS: Relationships at work aren’t always the best move.
It would be better to find somebody who has similar interests outside of the workplace, to expand her horizons. She can reinvent herself in some ways then.
My pack called Widening Your Social Scene and Shyness And Social Anxiety can help.
She can find out what is going on through a great website, meetup.com.
TSUNAMI MADE ME SUICIDAL
DEAR DEIDRE: I’M so relieved it’s spring because any bad weather report triggers my anxiety.
I’m a man of 31 and I live alone. I was on holiday in Thailand with my family when the tsunami struck.
My parents and my sister survived, but we lost a cousin who was staying with us.
I’ve never got over it.
I am fixated on the weather all the time. As soon as it gets to October or November, I know I’ll have months of anxiety. I work from home, but if there’s a storm coming, I have to barricade myself in. I get so frightened.
This cycle of worry makes me so depressed that I think about suicide a lot.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m so sorry to hear you lost your cousin so tragically and you went through something very life-changing also.
You’re still suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Bad weather reports give you flashbacks to that awful time when you and your family were fighting for your lives.
There is a therapy you could try called eye-movement desensitisation reprocessing, which can help in these situations.
You can find a counsellor who is trained in this through the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, (bacp.co.uk, 01455 883 300).
I WANT TO ASK MY MATE’S EX OUT
DEAR DEIDRE: I REALLY fancy my mate’s ex, but he’s still struggling after their break-up.
We work together in a car bodywork garage. We’ve always got along well and when he introduced me to his new girlfriend a year ago, I could see why he fancied her.
She’s drop-dead gorgeous, 22, and very pretty. My mate and I are both 25.
They started to have some issues a month ago when she kept going out on the weekends without him.
He was constantly worried about what she was up to. I was his shoulder to cry on but secretly I was hoping it was the beginning of the end. Then they split up two weeks ago. She said she didn’t feel the same about him.
He’s gutted and had to take time off work.
As far as I know, she’s still single. I really like her and want to date her but I don’t know how she feels about me.
When we met though, I thought that we had a connection.
Is it worth me contacting her to see if she felt there was a spark between us? I worry my mate won’t be happy about it though.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re right. He won’t. He’s hardly even had time to process what’s just happened and you’re jumping into his seat.
At least give your friend some support.
You don’t know that this woman is remotely interested in you.
Don’t jump in without knowing her better. You know little about her other than she hurt your friend. Her good looks do not mean she’s necessarily a good catch.
Save yourself the aggro and find somebody completely new for a relationship.
Get out with other friends and network or try to find somebody through interests or hobbies.
My support pack, Finding The Love Of Your Life, will help.