DEAR DEIDRE: I’M certain my ex is a sex addict. I discovered her anonymous Instagram account where she rates her sexual partners – all 93 of them.
In anonymous videos, she rates her sexual experiences with multiple men over the past four years, while we were together for three of those years.
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I’m 36, she is 32. We broke up because I suspected she was cheating, though I never found evidence.
She was forever disappearing and wouldn’t answer her phone. Her explanations didn’t add up.
I wanted to settle down and marry but she always fobbed me off. I really loved her, we had great fun together and enjoyed a brilliant sex life.
But I could see we were going nowhere. It was such a difficult decision to break up and I really missed her afterwards.
When I confided in a friend that I was going to try to get her back, he suggested that I check out an Instagram account I’d never heard of before.
He refused to tell me why but it became clear after I logged on — there were reams of videos of a woman talking about her sexual conquests.
She didn’t show her face, but I recognised the voice — it was my ex.
The videos started nearly a year before we got together. Some weeks she had a different man every night of the week.
But what hurt the most was that once we got together, apart from the first month of our relationship, she was still sleeping around.
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I opened one video to hear her joke about how monogamy was overrated. In the next, she described a rugby player she’d met in a nightclub, who was helping her rediscover her “singleton mojo”.
She’d posted more than 100 videos in the years we were together — and fewer than half described me.
Not only do I feel my privacy has been violated, I’m starting to question whether it’s my fault. Maybe I wasn’t enough for her.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Sex addicts will repeatedly use sex to give them-selves a short-lived high and to block out painful emotions.
You had no idea what was happening in your ex’s world and could not have known to what extent her infidelity ran.
You were not the cause of her problems. These videos pre-dated your relationship – and sadly for your ex, unless she is ready to admit she has a problem, this pattern of unfulfilled liaisons will continue.
Talking to someone may help you process this. My support pack on counselling can help.
I’m also sending you another on Finding The Right Partner For You, for when you’re ready to move on.