DEAR DEIDRE: BRUISES on my wife’s inner thighs have convinced me that she has been cheating with other men.
She’s admitted to one affair, but I’m sure she’s been repeatedly unfaithful since then too, which she denies.
I love her and won’t leave her. I just want her to be honest with me. We’re in our late 40s and have been married for 20 years, with grown-up kids.
A couple of years ago, I discovered she’d had a two-year affair with a man from work.
I forgave her and said we should put it behind us.
Everything seemed fine until about six months ago, when I started to notice signs that she was up to no good again. She was always messaging secretly on her phone, just like the first time.
She often had to work late, or meet clients in the evening. Then, to my shock, I came across a letter from a sexual health clinic giving her an appointment time.
When I asked her about it, she shrugged and said she was just having a general check-up.
The other morning, she was in the mood for sex, which rarely happens. Halfway through, I noticed finger-shaped bruises on her thighs.
I can’t imagine how they could have got there, except for during sex.
My gut feeling is telling me she’s been sleeping with other guys, but I can’t prove anything.
I’ve asked her straight out, and even told her that she doesn’t have to be afraid to tell me the truth because I would forgive her anything.
This is driving me crazy. What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: This might be hard to hear, but I wonder if the fact you’ve told her it doesn’t matter whether she cheats – that you’ll forgive her for anything – is part of the problem.
Perhaps she feels that admitting cheating will cause upset and arguments, but won’t have any real consequences, so why bother?
And maybe she’s having lots of affairs because you’re letting her – she’s pushing you to see what it will take for you to say “enough is enough”.
Either way, the relationship has become toxic, and I’m worried for you. Loving someone doesn’t mean letting them behave however they like, even if it hurts you.
You may need to accept that your marriage isn’t working.
My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, will help you have a more productive conversation with her.
Also think about having counselling, alone or together. See my support pack about this.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
THANK YOU FOR… YOUR HELP AFTER DEATH OF MY BABY
DEAR DEIDRE: EVER since my baby son died of cancer, I found myself unable to sleep.
I was exhausted but I’d lie awake, thinking about the traumatic days and nights my wife and I spent in the children’s hospital with him.
Sometimes, if I did drop off, I’d wake up in the night sobbing.
He was only a year old when he died from a brain tumour. I’m in my late 30s.
His death shattered me. I wrote to you, begging for help.
You suggested I contact The Compassionate Friends (tcf.org.uk, 0345 123 2304), which offers support and friendship to bereaved parents and their families, and read your support packs, Coping With Bereavement and Sleep Problems.
You said it sounded like I had PTSD, which Assist Trauma Care (assist traumacare.org.uk, 01788 551 919) could help me with.
You were so kind and understanding and took the time to write back to me. Although I know that it will take me a long time to grieve and start moving forward, your help was invaluable.
It made me feel I wasn’t so alone.
DEIDRE SAYS: Talking to you about your lovely son moved me so much. Things will get better for you and remember, I am always here for you.
TEENAGE TROUBLES
DEAR DEIDRE: MY friend with benefits has ghosted me, and I’m devastated.
I really thought he cared about me but now I feel used and heartbroken.
We’re both 19 and have been in a FWB arrangement for a couple of years, since we met in college. Two weeks ago, he called up at 1am to ask if he could come round for sex, but I was asleep.
Since then, he has ignored all my messages and blocked me on social media.
DEIDRE SAYS: Clearly, he was just into the sex, when you thought there was a bond between you. It’s possible he’s met someone else so doesn’t need you.
It’s a hard lesson but you will get over him.
My support pack, Mend Your Broken Heart, should help you to heal.
I WANT TO WARN EX’S NEW WOMAN THAT HE’S ABUSIVE
DEAR DEIDRE: LEAVING my abusive ex cost me almost everything, but he’s got off scot-free.
Now he has a new partner, who has a child, and I want to tell her what he was like, but I fear she’ll just view me as a bitter ex-wife.
I’m in my 40s with a ten-year-old son. Two years ago, I finally walked away from the man who had been emotionally and physically abusive to me and my child.
He turned everyone against me, and even my employer didn’t believe me.
He gaslit everyone to think I was mentally unstable.
By the end, I was suicidal. I only got out because I feared for our son’s life.
When I left, I tried, unsuccessfully, to put a Clare’s Law disclosure on his police record. But I’ve now found out that he’s met and moved in with a new woman, who also has a young child.
I’m scared for her, but I also feel angry that he’s got away with everything. He has moved on and is living happily, while I still bear the scars of what he did and am struggling to get by.
Should I get in touch and tell her the truth about him? Will she believe me?
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve been through a terrible ordeal and your feelings are natural.
There are two issues here – your understandable need to make him pay for his behaviour, and your desire to protect the other woman and her child.
Please don’t rush into contacting her.
Even if she believes you, he is dangerous and it could rebound both on you and your child, and on her.
Get some urgent professional advice from nspcc.org.uk, 0808 800 5000.
You can also contact the police and Social Services and ask for their help.
My support packs, Protecting Kids From Abuse and Worried A Child Is At Risk?, contain helpful information and sources of support.
SO STRESSFUL
DEAR DEIDRE: ANXIETY has sent me into a spiral of drinking and taking prescribed drugs.
I can’t get through a night at work without drinking a bottle of wine first. I’m scared I’ll never be well again.
I’m a 32-year-old single man working in a restaurant.
My previous job as a paramedic was so stressful I started having panic attacks. Eventually I had to quit.
I thought a less demanding job would help me recover.
But the panic attacks and anxiety haven’t eased. I lie in bed at night, unable to sleep, worrying about everything.
The medication I was prescribed isn’t enough – which is why I take too much and drink to numb myself.
I’ve lost tons of weight because I barely eat. Now I’m so run down I keep getting colds and infections.
How can I break this cycle?
DEIDRE SAYS: Asking for help is brave, and the right thing to do. You’ve recognised you’re harming your health.
Please make an urgent appointment with your GP and tell them you’re self-medicating by overdosing on your prescribed drug, and also using alcohol.
It could be dangerous, and there may be something different or stronger that works better.
Don’t worry about being judged. You need to talk to someone about your anxiety too. Ask your GP for a referral to a therapist.
My support packs, Living With Anxiety and Coping With Panic Attacks, should be useful, and you can also get help from anxietyuk.org.uk (03444 775 774).