DEAR DEIDRE: I’VE been tracking my husband’s car to the same location for weeks and am convinced he’s cheating on me – again.
We’ve been married for 20 years, have four children and are both in our fifties.
He is the love of my life. We used to be the happiest couple I knew — always touching each other, kissing and laughing.
Things changed after the children came along. And when I was pregnant with our youngest daughter, I found flirty texts on my husband’s phone from a co-worker.
Somehow, he convinced me I should ignore the evidence. Although I did my best to forgive, I haven’t forgotten. And I have a sixth sense he’s lying again.
His car was almost stolen off our driveway last year, so he had a tracker fitted to it. I’ve been stalking his location ever since.
Several times, I’ve discovered his car parked outside an unknown address for hours at a time — even on Christmas Eve, when he claimed to be at a work event.
I’m so scared, I don’t know what to do. I can’t confront him because he’d either lie or leave.
Instead, I’ve let us drift even further away from each other.
I can’t touch him any more and I turn my head away when he tries to kiss me.
We haven’t had sex in months.
Part of me longs to disappear, but my daughter sits her GCSEs this summer and I can’t disrupt her studies.
I’m just watching, waiting and getting more and more depressed.
DEIDRE SAYS: The trust in your marriage was broken when you found those flirty texts.
Neither of you took action to repair it, so the gulf between you has got wider ever since.
If you continue to ignore his behaviour, this is going to fester and you will feel increasingly miserable.
It’s time to get everything into the open.
Tell him you feel that things aren’t right between you. Ask him about the unknown locations on the car tracker, and demand the truth.
Explain that the dynamics of your relationship seem to have changed and you would like him to dedicate more time to being with you.
When you’ve got everything out in the open, you can start thinking about a fresh start in your marriage.
Create something new.
It can work if you are both prepared to invest in what you have built together over the years.
Talk about what you are both missing in your marriage and if you could get it back.
Read my support pack, How To Look After Your Relationship.
It shows you both how to consider one another’s feelings and rebuild the bond and trust between you.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
EX WON’T LET ME SEE MY CHILDREN
DEAR DEIDRE: MY spiteful ex is stopping me from seeing our children.
We were together for 12 years and have an 11-year-old daughter and an eight-year-old son.
I’m 45 and my ex is 43. Even though we both love our kids dearly, our relationship was very unhappy. We eventually split up for good three years ago.
My ex was always a volatile, emotional person. After we split, she went completely off the rails.
She met a new man in the pub and moved him in to live with her and our children.
He was constantly drunk and erratic, and one night my son rang me in tears, saying the boyfriend had threatened him and his sister.
I immediately drove over and brought the children back to my house. After my ex dumped the boyfriend, things went back to normal.
The kids moved in with her again because she lives much closer to their schools and their friends.
Things were OK for a few months, but then she started to get funny about access arrangements, giving excuses why I couldn’t see the children.
She also blocked my number from the phones I’d bought them, meaning I couldn’t talk to them.
When I had it out with her, she said I couldn’t see them any more because I’d “stolen” them from her before.
She even said a social worker had advised her not to let me see the kids. When I demanded their name, she claimed she couldn’t remember.
I’ve not seen my children for eight months. Can you please tell me where to get help?
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s always in children’s best interests to maintain contact with a loving father.
Your ex’s actions are very selfish towards them, and she is also being cruel by denying you access.
M support pack, When Parents Fall Out, explains children’s needs and feelings in these situations.
There are several places you can turn for help. Contact the charity bothparentsmatter.org.uk (0300 0300 363), which can offer legal advice, factsheets and a supportive forum.
You could also try family mediation to agree access arrangements that work for all of you.
This is less expensive than going to court. For more information, see nfm.org.uk.
SHOCK AT HUSBAND’S DEATH
DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband went into hospital for a routine operation in January and never came home. I’m lost without him, I don’t know how to cope.
I’m 34, he was 40. In most aspects, he was fit and well except he had impacted wisdom teeth that were becoming very painful.
He went into hospital to have them removed under general anaesthetic.
But he reacted badly to the drugs, had a heart attack, and died on the table. I’m in shock still and I can’t function.
DEIDRE SAYS: Be kind to yourself – it is still very early days. When someone we love dies, the pain can be so intense that we can’t see how we can ever be happy again.
The shock and pain you are feeling will ease eventually. If you allow yourself to grieve, you should get to a stage where you can remember your lovely husband and focus on the good memories.
My support pack Coping With Bereavement explains the normal feelings we can go through when someone we love dies.
SEX-HELP CLINIC
DEAR DEIDRE: My husband has looked at porn throughout our marriage. I’ve finally had enough. We’ve been together for almost 40 years and met at school.
Years ago, I knew he flicked through dirty magazines because I’d find them hidden in strange places in the house, like between the towels in the airing cupboard.
I mostly ignored it because I was busy raising our kids. Occasionally I’d throw the magazines away.
Then he moved onto watching X-rated movies. He’d stay up late or watch them in the garage while he claimed to be doing DIY.
Now he watches porn on his phone. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and find him watching it in bed right next to me.
It’s making me feel very insecure, especially as I get older. I’m nearly 60 now and menopausal: I can’t compete with the sexy young bodies on his screen.
I’ve repeatedly asked him to stop, or explained how it makes me feel worthless. And while he apologises and agrees at the time, it creeps back into our lives.
I don’t know what to do.
DEIDRE SAYS: Porn is becoming a big issue in the UK. According to YouGov, 36 per cent of UK men watch pornography every week, compared to four per cent of UK women.
As long as porn isn’t affecting the relationship, it need not cause problems. But your husband’s porn habit is damaging your marriage – you are hurt that he disregards your feelings over it, and how it makes you feel.
As you’ve repeatedly asked your husband to stop using pornography and he hasn’t, then may have become addicted.
He might consider it a harmless hobby, but compulsive pornography behaviour can lead to erection problems, depression and anxiety.
While many men are becoming addicted, it is possible to get a healthy relationship back on track. My support pack Pornography Worry explains more.
You can both find out about addiction at the Laurel Centre website (thelaurelcentre.co.uk), For affordable, self-guided recovery resources, visit pivotalrecovery.org.
SON’S SEPARATION ANXIETY
DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife and I separated last year, and have shared custody of our son, who’s six.
He lives with her most of the time and stays at my house one night in the week, and alternate weekends.
He seems fine with the arrangement, except he gets extremely panicky when I drop him off at his mum’s house.
He is silent on the way there, fidgets in his seat, then desperately looks for her car to check she’s home.
Is this normal? I don’t know how to calm his nerves or what to do for the best.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your son’s agitation could be caused by separation anxiety. Children can feel very upset whenever their primary caregiver (in this case, mum) isn’t around.
This is a relatively new routine and it may still be overwhelming. In time he will hopefully get used to the arrangements and settle down.
Let him know that it is OK to feel upset, and that you understand he misses his mum. The more you validate his feelings, the sooner he will relax.